Dawn at Midnight.
Book 4: Genesis. Chapter 1: The Final call
On the first week of February, Dr. Sarkar informed me about a convention and I had to travel to France.
---“Suchismita, a physics convention is going to be held in April at Bordeaux. You have to accompany with me. It will be good for your career if you attend that convention.”
I asked him---“Where is that place?”
---“France. You have got your passport ready. Institute will arrange for the visa and other formalities.”
---“But Sir, my son is too young. I can’t leave him behind.”
---“The decision is up to you Suchismita. By the way, you can bring your son along with you. It will be a great opportunity for you if you attend that convention.”
I gave astute look at Dr. Sarkar---“I need some time, Sir. You have put me in dilemma.”
---“I have already sent your recommendation to them. If everything falls into place then you can get a chance to pursue your further research in Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux.”
I could not believe my ears, when he said that he recommended my name to an International institute. I never dreamt in my entire life that I would go outside India. However, it was happening to me. I sat on my chair with my head between my palms. I was unable to think of anything except my son and my life. My eyes were hazy as I never thought in my entire life that such an opportunity would ever knock my door, door of such a doomed lady who shed tears throughout her whole life.
---“Give a try. Bring your son along with you. I will ask my peer over there to arrange a babysitter for few days who will look after your son.”
My voice was choked and my chest rippled. I imagined my son, Abhi, who was waiting for my return---“I am unable to decide whether to go forward with your recommendation or just attend the convention.”
---“Take your time, Suchismita. I am sure; you will make a wise decision. You are matured and intelligent enough to make your own decision.”
I returned to my apartment and looked at Abhi who was playing with the maid. I looked around the house and sat on my bed. Abhi came running at me and leapt on my lap. I took him in my arms and felt “This is my world, what more do I want? My life is centered around you, your sweet babbles, your frolic nature, your naughty smile. I would like to see you grow up.”
My sight turned hazy with the thought “Will you never come to me? I seek solace in your arms, Abhimanyu. I feel very lonely today and I need your help to take my decision.”
I walked into the restroom and looked at my confound image in the mirror. I tried to look whether he was around me to show me path or not. I was in sheer dilemma “What should I do? Should I take the opportunity and be a careerist woman? Leave India and go abroad? Leave everything behind and walk into a new horizon. If I stay in Kolkata and near to my ChotoMa’s house, Abhimanyu’s reminiscences will haunt me forever. All those, I want to keep only in the diary but every time I walk out of my apartment, I feel him walking beside me. As if asking why I did not wait?”
Abhi fell asleep on my lap. I gently kissed his forehead and ruffled his silky hair. Rubbed my nose on his cheeks, took a deep breath to fill my lungs with his baby fragrance. My heart filled up with courage but same time I was skeptical about my life ahead “I don’t want to lose any of my precious. My son, Abhimanyu and my Thief’s diary. I know you will show me the right boulevard on which I should walk.”
It was dead night; I picked up the diary and pressed it on my chest. I sobbed out softly “Please show me the path, whether I have made a right decision or not? Please. You told me to join Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics. I joined. Now, why don’t you come and speak. I had blind faith on you and you took me to a total unknown place on our first outing. The only thing I knew that you were there to take care of me. Please tell me whether I am doing right or wrong. Please, Abhi.”
I wailed and wailed for whole night. My eyes turned sore but he did not answer my pleas. I wiped my tears, my face burnt in angst and pain that Abhimanyu did not came for my rescue. I walked to the bathroom and stood under the shower at two o’clock in the morning. I tried to douse all my pain and anger in that cold running shower and said to myself “Ok, be it. Therefore, you are not with me. You were not there when I needed you most. I don’t need you anymore; I will take my final step alone and walk away with my son.”
I could not sleep, for the whole night. I kept tossing and turning in the bed while my fawn slept peacefully beside me.
I called Dr. Sarkar early morning and conveyed my decision that I would take the opportunity to travel with him and if I were selected then I would pursue my research at Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux.
---“I will go, Sir and if selected I will pursue my further research in France.”
From his voice, I fathomed that he was expecting my call---“I knew that you are intelligent and you would make a wise decision. We will discuss about the papers and travel in details in a day or two. You can take a day off. I am happy with your decision.”
I sat cowered on the sofa, the TV was on, some news channel was on but none of the images were going through my head. I was dipped in my thoughts whether my decision was right or wrong. Abhi woke up and his cries broke my trance. I ran towards the bedroom and took him in my lap.
I cuddled him close to my heart---“Why are you crying?”
---“Maaammmmmaaa …..”
---“We will go to a new place, baby. A total new place, only you and me. No diary, no Kolkata. Nothing.”
In the noon, I called Maithili and told her about my decision to leave India.
She was dumbfounded on hearing me---“What are you saying?”
I nodded my head and spoke calmly to her---“Yes, I am going to France. If everything goes well then I will go away forever.”
She was unable to believe as what I was saying to her---“What about your life, here?”
I took a deep breath to ease my emotions and tension---“My life is around my son. I have waited too long for happiness and success. I have walked all alone in every step of my life, except those seven months he was with me. I want to take a detour of my life and come out of the diary.”
She was quiet on the other end.
---“I could not sleep last night. I cried and cried, I pleaded to him to show me the way but he did not answered. Why should I keep the diary and stay back here? He will not return for me, so I need to carry on with my life.”
---“How could you take such a decision, Paree?”
I sobbed by looking at Abhi; he was playing beside me with his small airplane in his little hands. His gave a queer look on finding my tears rolling down my cheeks. He came near me and with soft palms, wiped my tears.
I took him on my lap and cuddled him across my chest; on the other hand, I pressed the phone with my ear. My voice choked---“Who took the decision of my life? It was my mom and dad. Who took the decision that I would be separated from my love? ChotoMa did. Who took the decision to get me married against my wish? ChotoMa did. Who took the decision of my miserable life? Himadri did.”
I squealed at her on the phone---“Where was my choice, Churni? Tell me.”
She lost her voice on the other end---“It was all fate, Paree.”
---“If those were fate, then this is also fate, Churni. This time, I am taking the final call. This time I will pick my path to walk. No one else.”
---“Have you called Ulupi Di, your ChotoMa?”
---“No, I have not informed anyone. I will call ChotoMa once I pack my bags and my visa arrives. I don’t want her tears to be a hindrance in my resolution.”
---“Your subconscious mind is saying that you might trace back. Then why are you going away?”
---“If I stay in Kolkata, I may not live my life peacefully. For last ten years, I have not slept properly, Churni. I want to sleep peacefully. A new place, a new horizon. I want to sleep peacefully, Churni.”
---“When are you going?”
---“In second week of April.”
---“You will visit us, right.”
---“Yes, I will visit my home before leaving. Don’t worry.”
---“I hope, everything goes well. Best wishes from my side.”
After few days, Dr. Sarkar handed me the invitation that arrived from Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux. I looked at the invitation and smiled at Dr. Sarkar.
---“You are happy.”
I nodded my head---“Yes” actually I did not know whether I was happy or not, whether my decision was a result of my angst and pain.
He told me that our flight would be from New Delhi as there was no direct flight from Kolkata to Bordeaux.
---“We will have a video conference tomorrow with head of department, Dr. Gringolet Pelletier. He wants to have some words with you.”
My heart was racing like a wild horse, a gush of blood flooded on my face. I shook and became very nervous. I gave a sharp look through my glasses to Dr. Sarkar.
---“Why are you shaking like that Suchismita? Don’t be nervous, everything will be all right.”
I was so nervous that I gulped down a whole glass of water lying on his table.
---“No Sir, I can’t do that.”
He asked me to take a deep breath and concentrate on my work.
I walked out of his cabin and sat quietly in my cabin. I rested my head on the table and turbulent waves crashed on my chest. Vision of my mom, Parvati Boudi and Abhimanyu came in front of my eyes. As if they were asking me “Are you really going to leave?”
“Yes I am. You were the ones whom I loved most in this world and you all left me. I want to leave behind all those dark clouds and walk towards a new horizon”
“God bless you.
Book 4: Genesis. Chapter 1: The Final call
On the first week of February, Dr. Sarkar informed me about a convention and I had to travel to France.
---“Suchismita, a physics convention is going to be held in April at Bordeaux. You have to accompany with me. It will be good for your career if you attend that convention.”
I asked him---“Where is that place?”
---“France. You have got your passport ready. Institute will arrange for the visa and other formalities.”
---“But Sir, my son is too young. I can’t leave him behind.”
---“The decision is up to you Suchismita. By the way, you can bring your son along with you. It will be a great opportunity for you if you attend that convention.”
I gave astute look at Dr. Sarkar---“I need some time, Sir. You have put me in dilemma.”
---“I have already sent your recommendation to them. If everything falls into place then you can get a chance to pursue your further research in Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux.”
I could not believe my ears, when he said that he recommended my name to an International institute. I never dreamt in my entire life that I would go outside India. However, it was happening to me. I sat on my chair with my head between my palms. I was unable to think of anything except my son and my life. My eyes were hazy as I never thought in my entire life that such an opportunity would ever knock my door, door of such a doomed lady who shed tears throughout her whole life.
---“Give a try. Bring your son along with you. I will ask my peer over there to arrange a babysitter for few days who will look after your son.”
My voice was choked and my chest rippled. I imagined my son, Abhi, who was waiting for my return---“I am unable to decide whether to go forward with your recommendation or just attend the convention.”
---“Take your time, Suchismita. I am sure; you will make a wise decision. You are matured and intelligent enough to make your own decision.”
I returned to my apartment and looked at Abhi who was playing with the maid. I looked around the house and sat on my bed. Abhi came running at me and leapt on my lap. I took him in my arms and felt “This is my world, what more do I want? My life is centered around you, your sweet babbles, your frolic nature, your naughty smile. I would like to see you grow up.”
My sight turned hazy with the thought “Will you never come to me? I seek solace in your arms, Abhimanyu. I feel very lonely today and I need your help to take my decision.”
I walked into the restroom and looked at my confound image in the mirror. I tried to look whether he was around me to show me path or not. I was in sheer dilemma “What should I do? Should I take the opportunity and be a careerist woman? Leave India and go abroad? Leave everything behind and walk into a new horizon. If I stay in Kolkata and near to my ChotoMa’s house, Abhimanyu’s reminiscences will haunt me forever. All those, I want to keep only in the diary but every time I walk out of my apartment, I feel him walking beside me. As if asking why I did not wait?”
Abhi fell asleep on my lap. I gently kissed his forehead and ruffled his silky hair. Rubbed my nose on his cheeks, took a deep breath to fill my lungs with his baby fragrance. My heart filled up with courage but same time I was skeptical about my life ahead “I don’t want to lose any of my precious. My son, Abhimanyu and my Thief’s diary. I know you will show me the right boulevard on which I should walk.”
It was dead night; I picked up the diary and pressed it on my chest. I sobbed out softly “Please show me the path, whether I have made a right decision or not? Please. You told me to join Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics. I joined. Now, why don’t you come and speak. I had blind faith on you and you took me to a total unknown place on our first outing. The only thing I knew that you were there to take care of me. Please tell me whether I am doing right or wrong. Please, Abhi.”
I wailed and wailed for whole night. My eyes turned sore but he did not answer my pleas. I wiped my tears, my face burnt in angst and pain that Abhimanyu did not came for my rescue. I walked to the bathroom and stood under the shower at two o’clock in the morning. I tried to douse all my pain and anger in that cold running shower and said to myself “Ok, be it. Therefore, you are not with me. You were not there when I needed you most. I don’t need you anymore; I will take my final step alone and walk away with my son.”
I could not sleep, for the whole night. I kept tossing and turning in the bed while my fawn slept peacefully beside me.
I called Dr. Sarkar early morning and conveyed my decision that I would take the opportunity to travel with him and if I were selected then I would pursue my research at Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux.
---“I will go, Sir and if selected I will pursue my further research in France.”
From his voice, I fathomed that he was expecting my call---“I knew that you are intelligent and you would make a wise decision. We will discuss about the papers and travel in details in a day or two. You can take a day off. I am happy with your decision.”
I sat cowered on the sofa, the TV was on, some news channel was on but none of the images were going through my head. I was dipped in my thoughts whether my decision was right or wrong. Abhi woke up and his cries broke my trance. I ran towards the bedroom and took him in my lap.
I cuddled him close to my heart---“Why are you crying?”
---“Maaammmmmaaa …..”
---“We will go to a new place, baby. A total new place, only you and me. No diary, no Kolkata. Nothing.”
In the noon, I called Maithili and told her about my decision to leave India.
She was dumbfounded on hearing me---“What are you saying?”
I nodded my head and spoke calmly to her---“Yes, I am going to France. If everything goes well then I will go away forever.”
She was unable to believe as what I was saying to her---“What about your life, here?”
I took a deep breath to ease my emotions and tension---“My life is around my son. I have waited too long for happiness and success. I have walked all alone in every step of my life, except those seven months he was with me. I want to take a detour of my life and come out of the diary.”
She was quiet on the other end.
---“I could not sleep last night. I cried and cried, I pleaded to him to show me the way but he did not answered. Why should I keep the diary and stay back here? He will not return for me, so I need to carry on with my life.”
---“How could you take such a decision, Paree?”
I sobbed by looking at Abhi; he was playing beside me with his small airplane in his little hands. His gave a queer look on finding my tears rolling down my cheeks. He came near me and with soft palms, wiped my tears.
I took him on my lap and cuddled him across my chest; on the other hand, I pressed the phone with my ear. My voice choked---“Who took the decision of my life? It was my mom and dad. Who took the decision that I would be separated from my love? ChotoMa did. Who took the decision to get me married against my wish? ChotoMa did. Who took the decision of my miserable life? Himadri did.”
I squealed at her on the phone---“Where was my choice, Churni? Tell me.”
She lost her voice on the other end---“It was all fate, Paree.”
---“If those were fate, then this is also fate, Churni. This time, I am taking the final call. This time I will pick my path to walk. No one else.”
---“Have you called Ulupi Di, your ChotoMa?”
---“No, I have not informed anyone. I will call ChotoMa once I pack my bags and my visa arrives. I don’t want her tears to be a hindrance in my resolution.”
---“Your subconscious mind is saying that you might trace back. Then why are you going away?”
---“If I stay in Kolkata, I may not live my life peacefully. For last ten years, I have not slept properly, Churni. I want to sleep peacefully. A new place, a new horizon. I want to sleep peacefully, Churni.”
---“When are you going?”
---“In second week of April.”
---“You will visit us, right.”
---“Yes, I will visit my home before leaving. Don’t worry.”
---“I hope, everything goes well. Best wishes from my side.”
After few days, Dr. Sarkar handed me the invitation that arrived from Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux. I looked at the invitation and smiled at Dr. Sarkar.
---“You are happy.”
I nodded my head---“Yes” actually I did not know whether I was happy or not, whether my decision was a result of my angst and pain.
He told me that our flight would be from New Delhi as there was no direct flight from Kolkata to Bordeaux.
---“We will have a video conference tomorrow with head of department, Dr. Gringolet Pelletier. He wants to have some words with you.”
My heart was racing like a wild horse, a gush of blood flooded on my face. I shook and became very nervous. I gave a sharp look through my glasses to Dr. Sarkar.
---“Why are you shaking like that Suchismita? Don’t be nervous, everything will be all right.”
I was so nervous that I gulped down a whole glass of water lying on his table.
---“No Sir, I can’t do that.”
He asked me to take a deep breath and concentrate on my work.
I walked out of his cabin and sat quietly in my cabin. I rested my head on the table and turbulent waves crashed on my chest. Vision of my mom, Parvati Boudi and Abhimanyu came in front of my eyes. As if they were asking me “Are you really going to leave?”
“Yes I am. You were the ones whom I loved most in this world and you all left me. I want to leave behind all those dark clouds and walk towards a new horizon”
“God bless you.