1st June, 2004
Today is a very significant day for me. It's my mother's birthday and for the first time, I can't greet her. Every year on this day, I call her early in the morning (Indian time) wherever I am. But today, I can't. I lost her last year.
Throughout the day I kept on thinking about her. She is the most important woman in my life. I loved her and adored her the most. She was my mentor & friend. Memories of my teenage & early youth kept on coming back.
1965 – 1966
Ma was an exceptional woman in every sense. Academically she was just a science graduate. Family & social constraints did not allow her to pursue higher studies. She got married at the age of 18 and I was born a year later (1947). A year after I was born, she resumed her studies and got a first class bachelor's degree with Mathematics major, but couldn't study further. But her intellectual ability made up for the lack of higher education. She had an extremely analytical mind combined with a strong literary flair. Despite all constraints in the family life she remained a voracious reader.
She wrote a lot on all kinds of subjects, physics to philosophy. But those were never published. She also wrote stories & poems. As she took a limited interest in publishing, only about a dozen of stories got published. The appreciation from readers was overwhelming, but that didn't enthuse her enough to publish more. She wrote only for her own pleasure and most of her writing remained confined in her diaries and notebooks. I was the only one who read all her writings.
She taught me literature as also mathematics and science subjects through out my school days. When I was in the senior class, many of my classmates became her students. Even when I was in college, she helped me when I was stuck with any difficult problem.
Her intellectual prowess gave her a great clarity of thought. She was never bogged down by orthodox ideas and encouraged everybody around her to look at things rationally and with an open mind. She carried herself with a lot of poise and elan and her personality made her stand out. She was a highly admired person among friends & relatives. As her son, I was the biggest beneficiary of her intellectual excellence and unorthodox thoughts. I remember my days of adolescence and associated problems, when ma was the one who acted both as my friend & guardian.
She always encouraged me not to do anything stealthily or behind her back. But at a growing age, no way it was possible to tell her everything I did. But she made things change. She almost proved it to me that anything that I did secretly she would come to know. She could always make an intelligent guess of my secret or naughty plans and caught me red handed or made me confess. I will narrate one incident as an example.
In those days, adult movies were very rare in India. Of course, those were very mundane compared to the adult movies we see today not only in western countries but even in India. When we had passed out from school a so called very hot Hollywood film was released in India. A couple of my friends & I were desperate to see the movie. Though it was rated 'A', we were permitted to see the movie, as we were already 18. But some of us wouldn't be allowed from home to see an adult movie. While we made plans to see the movie, we didn't tell folks at home.
The opportunity came by the way of a half day holiday being declared in the college. We came to know about the holiday the day before and made our plans. When I was getting ready in the morning, ma suddenly said she would expect me to come home early, as the college would be over at meal break. I was most disappointed but had to come back home early.
As I came back home, ma smilingly welcomed me and said she & I were going to a movie. When I asked her the name of the movie, I was pleasantly surprised to hear it was the same adult movie I missed. She kissed me on my cheeks and said she always knew that I was dying to see the movie but didn't like the idea that I go to the movie with my friends and keep it a secret from her. So, she did a bit of spying on me and spoilt my plans. At the same time, she thought as an adult I was fully entitled to see the movie and she would honour my adult hood by accompanying me to the movie. This most pleasant surprise increased my admiration from her. I now realised I shouldn't have presumed my ma wouldn't allow me to see the movie since she had, ever since I turned 18, acknowledged my adulthood.
As I sat beside her in the movie hall, I was terribly embarrassed to see frequent kissing scenes. (Openly showing kissing was something unthinkable in India those days.). At the first scene with a sensual & long kiss I lowered my eyes in embarrassment and she said in a low voice, "There is nothing to feel shy. This is perfectly normal between a grown up man & woman."
This put me at ease and I enjoyed the movie a lot. Towards the end, there was some amount of nudity. The heroine was in a tub having bath. Though she was fully covered under soap bubbles, sides of her breasts could be seen from time to time. She also raised her leg up once in a while. At the last stage, as she got up from the tub with her back turned towards the camera, her butts were seen for a split second. During the scene, ma held my hand and said, "Don't feel shy, enjoy the scene."
After the movie was over ma said, "I hope you don't have a hard on. If you do, we shall wait till everybody leaves."
This didn't embarrass me as she had, on an earlier occasion, put me totally at ease about my hard on.
One day as I woke up in the morning, I saw ma beside my bed. While I was happy to be greeted by her smiling face, I realised that I had a raging hard on. I was as such very displeased as my cock became large as I grew in age. Hard on was another source of embarrassment. That morning I felt damn awkward with the hard on and didn't know where to hide myself.
But she acted like an angel and said, "You shouldn't be embarrassed by your hard on. It's perfectly normal for a young man like you. It's too prominent now in the morning, probably because your bladder is full after a whole night's sleep."
Saying this, she lightly stroked my bulge with her finger and I felt totally thankful to her.
She asked me, "Do you regularly jerk off your stored energy? Or, you suffer wet dreams."
As I said I jerk off, she said, "That's much better. A man enjoys masturbation but wet dream gives him no pleasure."
She was totally open with me and didn't let me suffer any feeling of guilt or shame during my growing age. This built my confidence a lot and my personality developed nicely. I also did very well academically with her help & guidance.
My sex urge was pretty high and she was fully aware of it. On a number of occasions, she brought my secret desires in the open and handled the situation nicely to put me at total ease.
My curiosity & lust for women's naked body was extremely high. I laid hands on some pornographic magazines with the help of my friends. I kept those under my bed and often jerked off as I watched the pictures of naked sexy women. One day, after return from school, I discovered that those magazines were missing. After a while ma called me and I was shocked to see those in ma's hand.
I was expecting a big scolding from her. But she had a pleasant smile on her face and said, "Do you really like these pictures?"
Though I was very embarrassed, my fear was gone. I lowered my eyes and nodded.
She pulled me close to her and made me sit facing her. Holding my face in her hands she made me look at her eyes and said, "My child, it's very natural at your age to be crazy for watching nude pictures. But let me tell you, these women are far from real natural women. These are creations of dirty mind and should be shunned. Best of painters and photographers have created millions of paintings & photographs with nude women. As a man of good taste you should be looking at those. I will help you in locating such paintings & photographs."
Next day, I gave those magazines away to my friends.
When I attained eighteen years she fully accepted me as an adult male and recognised my physical needs. Today, when I am badly missing her, many of those incidents are flooding my mind.
Celebrating adulthood (June – July 1965)
I must tell you how she celebrated my eighteenth birthday.
Ma's ancestral home was in a village, which she & I visited every summer. In those days, the villages in India were in a pretty uncivilised state. Electricity had just reached and a few privileged houses, including our house, had electric lamps but no fans. There was no sewer line nor regular water supply. So, the toilets were pretty primitive and located away from our house. There was one bathroom with a cement tank, which was filled by servants with water brought in tin cans from the nearby river. So, only older men & women had the privilege of bathing there.
Everybody else had to use a pond, which was just behind the house and was exclusive for the family members. The pond had a nicely built ghat at one side. There were a series of very wide steps made of stones going down well below the water level and there was a wide cemented area around. The ghat was used for bathing. The pond was protected from public eyes by trees & fences all along the edge. Women also took their bath in the pond and there was a separate area for them at the far end of the ghat. Tall fencing made of cane & bamboo strips enclosed the area.
In that house, only my grandma lived permanently. One summer when my mom & I visited there were other visitors too. Two ladies, who were our distant relations and ma's childhood friends, also visited for a couple of weeks. I called them mashi and mamima. Both of them had one daughter each. Those two girls were much younger and they were not very close to me. As a result I was a bit lonely.
Today is a very significant day for me. It's my mother's birthday and for the first time, I can't greet her. Every year on this day, I call her early in the morning (Indian time) wherever I am. But today, I can't. I lost her last year.
Throughout the day I kept on thinking about her. She is the most important woman in my life. I loved her and adored her the most. She was my mentor & friend. Memories of my teenage & early youth kept on coming back.
1965 – 1966
Ma was an exceptional woman in every sense. Academically she was just a science graduate. Family & social constraints did not allow her to pursue higher studies. She got married at the age of 18 and I was born a year later (1947). A year after I was born, she resumed her studies and got a first class bachelor's degree with Mathematics major, but couldn't study further. But her intellectual ability made up for the lack of higher education. She had an extremely analytical mind combined with a strong literary flair. Despite all constraints in the family life she remained a voracious reader.
She wrote a lot on all kinds of subjects, physics to philosophy. But those were never published. She also wrote stories & poems. As she took a limited interest in publishing, only about a dozen of stories got published. The appreciation from readers was overwhelming, but that didn't enthuse her enough to publish more. She wrote only for her own pleasure and most of her writing remained confined in her diaries and notebooks. I was the only one who read all her writings.
She taught me literature as also mathematics and science subjects through out my school days. When I was in the senior class, many of my classmates became her students. Even when I was in college, she helped me when I was stuck with any difficult problem.
Her intellectual prowess gave her a great clarity of thought. She was never bogged down by orthodox ideas and encouraged everybody around her to look at things rationally and with an open mind. She carried herself with a lot of poise and elan and her personality made her stand out. She was a highly admired person among friends & relatives. As her son, I was the biggest beneficiary of her intellectual excellence and unorthodox thoughts. I remember my days of adolescence and associated problems, when ma was the one who acted both as my friend & guardian.
She always encouraged me not to do anything stealthily or behind her back. But at a growing age, no way it was possible to tell her everything I did. But she made things change. She almost proved it to me that anything that I did secretly she would come to know. She could always make an intelligent guess of my secret or naughty plans and caught me red handed or made me confess. I will narrate one incident as an example.
In those days, adult movies were very rare in India. Of course, those were very mundane compared to the adult movies we see today not only in western countries but even in India. When we had passed out from school a so called very hot Hollywood film was released in India. A couple of my friends & I were desperate to see the movie. Though it was rated 'A', we were permitted to see the movie, as we were already 18. But some of us wouldn't be allowed from home to see an adult movie. While we made plans to see the movie, we didn't tell folks at home.
The opportunity came by the way of a half day holiday being declared in the college. We came to know about the holiday the day before and made our plans. When I was getting ready in the morning, ma suddenly said she would expect me to come home early, as the college would be over at meal break. I was most disappointed but had to come back home early.
As I came back home, ma smilingly welcomed me and said she & I were going to a movie. When I asked her the name of the movie, I was pleasantly surprised to hear it was the same adult movie I missed. She kissed me on my cheeks and said she always knew that I was dying to see the movie but didn't like the idea that I go to the movie with my friends and keep it a secret from her. So, she did a bit of spying on me and spoilt my plans. At the same time, she thought as an adult I was fully entitled to see the movie and she would honour my adult hood by accompanying me to the movie. This most pleasant surprise increased my admiration from her. I now realised I shouldn't have presumed my ma wouldn't allow me to see the movie since she had, ever since I turned 18, acknowledged my adulthood.
As I sat beside her in the movie hall, I was terribly embarrassed to see frequent kissing scenes. (Openly showing kissing was something unthinkable in India those days.). At the first scene with a sensual & long kiss I lowered my eyes in embarrassment and she said in a low voice, "There is nothing to feel shy. This is perfectly normal between a grown up man & woman."
This put me at ease and I enjoyed the movie a lot. Towards the end, there was some amount of nudity. The heroine was in a tub having bath. Though she was fully covered under soap bubbles, sides of her breasts could be seen from time to time. She also raised her leg up once in a while. At the last stage, as she got up from the tub with her back turned towards the camera, her butts were seen for a split second. During the scene, ma held my hand and said, "Don't feel shy, enjoy the scene."
After the movie was over ma said, "I hope you don't have a hard on. If you do, we shall wait till everybody leaves."
This didn't embarrass me as she had, on an earlier occasion, put me totally at ease about my hard on.
One day as I woke up in the morning, I saw ma beside my bed. While I was happy to be greeted by her smiling face, I realised that I had a raging hard on. I was as such very displeased as my cock became large as I grew in age. Hard on was another source of embarrassment. That morning I felt damn awkward with the hard on and didn't know where to hide myself.
But she acted like an angel and said, "You shouldn't be embarrassed by your hard on. It's perfectly normal for a young man like you. It's too prominent now in the morning, probably because your bladder is full after a whole night's sleep."
Saying this, she lightly stroked my bulge with her finger and I felt totally thankful to her.
She asked me, "Do you regularly jerk off your stored energy? Or, you suffer wet dreams."
As I said I jerk off, she said, "That's much better. A man enjoys masturbation but wet dream gives him no pleasure."
She was totally open with me and didn't let me suffer any feeling of guilt or shame during my growing age. This built my confidence a lot and my personality developed nicely. I also did very well academically with her help & guidance.
My sex urge was pretty high and she was fully aware of it. On a number of occasions, she brought my secret desires in the open and handled the situation nicely to put me at total ease.
My curiosity & lust for women's naked body was extremely high. I laid hands on some pornographic magazines with the help of my friends. I kept those under my bed and often jerked off as I watched the pictures of naked sexy women. One day, after return from school, I discovered that those magazines were missing. After a while ma called me and I was shocked to see those in ma's hand.
I was expecting a big scolding from her. But she had a pleasant smile on her face and said, "Do you really like these pictures?"
Though I was very embarrassed, my fear was gone. I lowered my eyes and nodded.
She pulled me close to her and made me sit facing her. Holding my face in her hands she made me look at her eyes and said, "My child, it's very natural at your age to be crazy for watching nude pictures. But let me tell you, these women are far from real natural women. These are creations of dirty mind and should be shunned. Best of painters and photographers have created millions of paintings & photographs with nude women. As a man of good taste you should be looking at those. I will help you in locating such paintings & photographs."
Next day, I gave those magazines away to my friends.
When I attained eighteen years she fully accepted me as an adult male and recognised my physical needs. Today, when I am badly missing her, many of those incidents are flooding my mind.
Celebrating adulthood (June – July 1965)
I must tell you how she celebrated my eighteenth birthday.
Ma's ancestral home was in a village, which she & I visited every summer. In those days, the villages in India were in a pretty uncivilised state. Electricity had just reached and a few privileged houses, including our house, had electric lamps but no fans. There was no sewer line nor regular water supply. So, the toilets were pretty primitive and located away from our house. There was one bathroom with a cement tank, which was filled by servants with water brought in tin cans from the nearby river. So, only older men & women had the privilege of bathing there.
Everybody else had to use a pond, which was just behind the house and was exclusive for the family members. The pond had a nicely built ghat at one side. There were a series of very wide steps made of stones going down well below the water level and there was a wide cemented area around. The ghat was used for bathing. The pond was protected from public eyes by trees & fences all along the edge. Women also took their bath in the pond and there was a separate area for them at the far end of the ghat. Tall fencing made of cane & bamboo strips enclosed the area.
In that house, only my grandma lived permanently. One summer when my mom & I visited there were other visitors too. Two ladies, who were our distant relations and ma's childhood friends, also visited for a couple of weeks. I called them mashi and mamima. Both of them had one daughter each. Those two girls were much younger and they were not very close to me. As a result I was a bit lonely.