My name is Rohan and I am from India. I am happily married with my wife for last ten years. We have two beautiful children. We live in a Mumbai suburb. I work for a big engineering company. My parents live in Nasik, a place not far away from Mumbai.

I had a great time when I used to live in Nasik as a kid and then as a young man. Both my parents are very loving and caring also I am their only son. My father used to work for a small company as a clerk. He is retired now and my mom was always a housewife. She is a very good mother and I always was very close to her. My mom was married to my father when she was only nineteen and my father was then twenty nine. I was born when my mom was twenty. My parents did not go for another child due to financial constraints. But I always wished that I had a brother or a sister.

My father was not health conscious his food habits were not good and he used to drink on a regular basis. But my mom always avoided oily food and the daily chores kept her fit. I was a happy go lucky guy. I was good in studies and also on the playground. Much of my time was devoted towards cricket and cycling.

As I grew up I often used to fantasize about making love to my mom. She was the only woman in my life who was present all the time around me. I did have a huge crush on a girl who was my classmate. Her name was Anuradha, I could never propose to her till I left the school. But she was friendly to me and we used to talk and exchange notes sometime. I did not see her for a long time after she left the school.

I passed my secondary school (SSC) and opted science for higher secondary school. I was determined to become an engineer.

Everything went on as normal till I was in my third year of engineering I was 20 and my father was 50. My father suffered a stroke and was paralysed. He was in the hospital for a week. Fortunately because of his relatively young age he regained some control over his limbs. His right side of the body was affected. He could no longer use his right hand and walked with some difficulty. He would (and still) limp and drag his right foot while walking. His speech is slurred. But otherwise he is ok. I spent a year massaging his legs, hands and back to stimulate the muscles and encourage the recovery. But despite of best of my efforts and extensive physiotherapy he could not recover completely. But anyway he doesn't have any other problems as he has given up drinking and eating oily food. He also goes for a walk everyday to keep fit.

This story is of those turbulent days when my father was brought home from the hospital.

I opened the door of the taxi to help my father move out of it. I pulled him out and supported him while walking towards the door of our house. Mom was walking next to him. I helped him get into his bed so that he could rest.

"That's it dad. You rest till evening then I will give you a massage."

My father did not say anything he was too shocked because of what had happened to him.

He was about to cry.

"Don't worry dad you will be alright."

I put up a brave face but I was also worried. There was always a danger of another stroke. I walked out of the bedroom and signalled my mom to follow me. We went in our living room.

"Look ma this is a serious situation and we must do our best to help him come out of this."

"I know Rohan."

"Follow the strict diet which doctor has prescribed and try to keep him happy."

"Ok" She said in a low voice.

The emotional trauma had drained our energy.

A few weeks after my father started some physiotherapy and I continued to massage him daily. There was some improvement in his leg but not in his right hand. This continued for months. My father took a retirement as he could no longer perform his duties. He was now getting some pension which was not enough for us to survive. This was because he did not complete his full service period. We were surviving because of some savings which my father had. Now I was totally devoted to my parents. I had to help my father do household work, go to market for grocery, vegetables shopping etc. I also helped my mom for cooking and cleaning.

My life was totally changed. I was cut off from my friends. I mostly stayed indoors after attending my collage. My mom knew this and she felt very sorry for me.

One day my mom asked me

"Rohan why don't you go and play cricket with your friends?"

"I can't do that ma"

"Why not? Your father is now ok you can go out now."

"But I want to stay with you ma, who knows when I am needed here"

"That's true but the playground is not far away from our home. I can call you if we need your help Rohan."

"No ma I don't want to get into it."

"Oh Rohan you are such a good boy I wish you had some brothers and sisters. Now everything is on your shoulders."

"It's ok ma I will take care of everything."

My mom looked in my eyes proudly.

As months passed my father's bank account was almost exhausted and we were now feeling the pinch. We had to ration everything, food, water, electricity everything. I realized this rationing is not going to help us for long. I decided to do some part time job. Luckily the owner of the company where my father worked offered me a part time job as a token of gratitude towards my father's service. I used to work five hours everyday between 7 pm to 12 am. He gave me a job of keeping records of the goods transported from the warehouse during that period.

It was very difficult for me. I was attending collage, doing home work, doing a part time job and also attending my father everyday. Those were the most painful days in my life. I often used to come home very tired and sleep as soon as I lay in my bed. During this period I went even closer to my mother. She was so proud of me and would often kiss my forehead. She would often come in my bedroom in the morning and move her fingers through my hair to wake me up. Sometimes I would even get a kiss on my cheek in the morning.

I passed my engineering and got a job as an apprentice in a company. This company produces spare parts for automobiles. I was appointed as a trainee supervisor on the shop floor. The salary was not very good but now I was much relaxed as I need not study anymore. I was more interested in doing a job in Mumbai. But I decided to get some experience before moving to Mumbai.

Now I had more time for myself. I again started to have fantasies of making love to my mom. Sometimes I used to feel guilty but those fantasies would come again and again.

My mom was really beautiful. She was strongly built with broad shoulders. Her black eyes and dense black hair were really defying her age. Her breasts were quite big and the roundness of her bottom made her look more desirable.

As years went by my sexual frustration also increased. I was now twenty four and still virgin. My parents did not talk about my marriage because they were worried if I moved out they will be left to fend themselves.

I am disciplined

One Saturday my father had gone out for a walk. I was sitting in the living room watching morning news. My mom came with two cups of tea and offered me one and sat besides me sipping her own cup. I always felt good when she sat beside me like this. On the news channel they were showing some murder case because of some sexual reasons.

"This guy should be hanged" said my mother.

"That's not fair ma. He is just a suspect, not yet guilty"

"I know I know but he must be the one"

"Ma but he could have also done this because of some frustration"

One thing led to another and our discussion went on and on and finally it took a dramatic turn when I asked her

"Ma can I ask you one thing?"

"Anything dear, go on"

"Ma it is very personal"

"Ok no problem ask me"

"Ma how is father?"

"What is so personal in this? You know he is good now"

"Not that" I said.

"Then what?" she asked

"I mean how is he in ... in the bed?" I chew my tongue as I asked her.

She did not reply and seemed crestfallen.

"Ma don't misunderstand me ma."

She looked at me confused what her son wants to know.

"I just want to know if dad can perform after his stroke that's all ma, and I am sorry if I have offended you."

Her tension eased as she realized what my concern was.

"Its nothing beta(son)"

"Means?" I asked

"I don't know how to talk about it with you."

"Its ok ma I am sorry."

"No Rohan why you should be sorry? You are grown up and as my son you have the right to ask. But I don't know what to tell you. I always wanted to talk about this with someone." Her vice cracked.

"Tell me ma may be you will feel relieved." I said.

"Rohan your father can not do anything after the stroke"

"Oh no ma."

"Yes Rohan , few months after his stroke I tried, but could not get him going. He can not get "it" up."

"So how do you.. I mean uh I mean" I wanted to ask her how she satisfies herself.

"When it becomes unbearable I do it myself." she knew what I wanted to ask.

I was getting turned on by all this talk.

"It must be very hard on you ma. It has been four years now."

"Yeah but what can be done" she finished her tea and kept the cup on the table.

"Ma it has been four years for you, but for me it has been ages"

I was turned on by the nature of talk between us. I kept my cup on the table and moved near her and put my arms around her. I pulled her towards me and I tried to kiss her lips. She immediately got up pushing me away.

"What you are doing Rohan?" She was furious.

"I just.."

She slapped on my cheek. She had never slapped me that hard ever before.

"Ma I just"

"Shut up Rohan. I always thought you are my good boy. I talked about your father's disability and my frustration because there is nobody with whom I can talk on this issue."

"I am sorry ma, please forgive me." I hung my face in shame and walked towards my bedroom.

I was devastated by the insult and shame.