Dawn at Midnight.

Book 4: Genesis. Chapter 3: Incoherent Rendezvous


For the whole flight, I sat twisting in pain in my seat. My pain did not subdue for a single moment to give solace to my writing heart. Not even the cute face of my filial was able to douse the fire of partition. I had to control my flooding eyes for the sake of my cub and to take care of him. I kept of thinking for the whole journey “Why could not I gather up myself to speak to him? What restrained him from coming to me and ask me what happened to me?” Then it dawned that “My son, was in my lap, he might have thought that I was married to someone else and he should not come to my life to disturb my blissful marital life or he might have thought that he would not like to bring turbulence to his marital life by digging up his dark past.”

We stayed at a hotel named Acanthe on rue Saint Remi. The hotel was a beautiful one. The Centre was bit far from my hotel, but Dr. Sarkar wanted to stay near to the river so he chooses that hotel which was nearby to the river Borde that ran through the beautiful city. From the hotel room, the view of the palace by the side of the river could be seen. The sight was beautiful at night with the palace all lighted up and cold breeze flowing from the river through the large window of the room.

In the night I was unable to sleep in the huge comfortable bed. The squishy spongy bed felt like a mattress of nails to me. My fawn trembled in his sleep while cuddling me. He cried repeatedly at night. I had to wake up to cuddle him and comfort him so that he could sleep. Due to the change of environment and new place and time, we both were unable to sleep. Repeatedly I checked that whether he was comfortable or not. I wept that my son was not getting proper rest. “What have you done, Paree? What have you done? Your son is unable to sleep, you are unable to sleep yet you are adamant to walk into alien horizon to find solace of your soul. You are a fool Paree.”

I could not conjoin my eyelids and kept of lamenting---“Abhi, my sweetheart, I am sorry to bring you in such a place. This is not our place to stay, honey. This is an alien land and we are not suitable for this type of lifestyle, honey.”

I was so restless on bed that I went into the restroom and sat cowered in the bathtub filled up with warm water. I tried hard to shed all his memoirs from my mind but I was unable to scrap his reminiscences from my heart. It was like a part of my brain that came in front of my eyes repeatedly. I felt his touch on my forehead and rubbed hard to scrub off that sensation, but I was unable to do so. I wanted to vent my agony and my pain to someone. I staggered out of the bathroom and took out his diary. I cried as I read each page and then ripped off each page I read. I tore every page he wrote about me from that diary still I was unable to scrub off his memoirs. I gnawed my lips, my cheeks and my body tried hard to scrub off his touches. He kissed me all over, every inch of my slender sensuous figure; I scrubbed in vain to douse the fire in my soul. At last I thought that “If I write all my memoirs I could tell someone my pains my sorrow my agony. At least this diary would help me to share my pains.” I started to write each memoirs of the last decade in the remaining pages of the diary, until the red sun peeped behind the castle by the side of the river. At the dawn, I managed to write the first three years, I was caged in the ivory cage. My fingers were sore, my eyes were red, and my head was heavy. I walked to the balcony, looked up the blue sky, and took a deep breath to fill my lungs with fresh air. I felt that the soreness in soul was subdued to some extent.



I looked at my son, who was sleeping peacefully on the bed. I crept up beside him, cuddled him near me, and rested my head on his pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to take some rest. I felt that I was living again.



For the whole day, I could not prepare for my coming convention; instead, I kept on writing my past in those crinkly yellow pages. Abhi kept to himself playing at my feet, playing with his cars and teddy bear.



Dr. Sarkar contacted his peers at Bordeaux who appointed a babysitter to look after my son while I was in convention. I was skeptical at first in leaving my cub in hands of a total unknown person but I had to. She arrived in the evening at the hotel along with the manager and Dr. Sarkar’s friend Mr. John Chabrol. The name of the babysitter was Amelia Fuere; she was about twenty-five years old.

I asked her---“Do you have prior experience of babysitting?”

She spoke in English with French ascent---“Madame, I have prior experience. I am a schoolteacher. Moreover, I had to look after my two frère (brother) while I was young. ”

---“What happened to that job?”

She smiled painfully at me---“Madame, we don’t have a permanent job here. We can work only for six months a year, all due to rising unemployment. So in other six months I had to find petty jobs to keep myself running.”

I shook my head in dismay “What a world we are living in?” I asked her---“But my son does not understand English or French? How will you manage?”

She smiled at me---“We both can manage?” She called Abhi to her who was hiding behind me and looking at Amelia with a queer gaze.

I asked him---“Come on goto her.”

He clasped my arms and shook his head “No.”

I asked her---“How much would you charge for?”

She said---“Three Euros per hour Madame.”

“Be it any amount I am ready to give if you look after my child.” I said to her.



I was very my agitated on myself as I was helpless to handover my throbbing heart to someone else I did not know. The manager of the hotel and Dr. Sarkar’s friend Mr. Chabrol assured me that they would be around to keep an eye. Still I was skeptical to handover my filial in unknown hands. I had to keep stones on my heart and handover my son on those three days while I was away attending the convention.



I took out Abhi in the evening by the side of the river. He was very happy that he came on a trip with his mother. His smiling jolly face brought solace in my burning soul.

I smiled at him and asked---“Do you want ice-cream?”

He nodded his head. I took him on my lap and bought him a cone. He licked on the cone and I looked at his smiling face. I asked myself “How come you waved to a person who was unknown to you? That was against your nature honey. Probably you both share the same name sweetheart. Probably there is a force beckoning you both. Thanks a million, sweetheart that you waved and pointed to him. May be that was for few minutes but I was able to behold my love. Probably that was the last time I behold him. However, my eyes remain thirsty to devour him again.”



The physics convention started from Tuesday and was for three days. I was unable to concentrate on my papers. For the whole day, I sat with heavy heart and that affected my relation with my son. My fawn never found me so depressed in his tiny span of life. I was uncontrollable in the beginning. My sleep and rest was lost. I cursed myself repeatedly “Why he had to come if he had to go like that?”



My depressing nature did not go unnoticed from Dr. Sarkar piercing gaze. He asked me that whether I was ok or not. He thought that I was depressed because I left my families back home. I gathered up myself and prepared for the convention. However, I failed bitterly to impress other members of the board except Dr. Pelletier with whom I already had a video conference.

Three days after we arrived at Bordeaux, we were having dinner at a restaurant near to our hotel.

Dr. Sarkar asked me---“What happened to you?”

---“I am not feeling well, Sir.”

---“Do you want to continue your research here or not?”

I was in dilemma as what I want actually, my life or my career. I gave a blank look at his face and said---“I don’t want to stay here, Sir. I want to go back to Kolkata.”

He was very much surprised to hear that I was rejecting the offer of continuing my studies in such a prestigious institution.

---“I want to live with my son. I want to lead a simple life.”

I looked at Abhi, who was munching the cheese from Lasagna.

He gave a bewildered look at me and asked me---“Are you insane Suchismita? Do you know that there are thousands of students, worldwide who are waiting to get an opportunity, to study in this institution? Your are rejecting the offer that came knocking at your door?”

I gave him a painful smile---“Sir, they are not single mother.”

He nodded his head in dismay---“No, no, don’t tell that. My own daughter is in States.”

---“All the fingers of your hand are not of same length, Sir. She might be more courageous than I. I just wanted to do a job to support my life and my child. I never wanted to be a careerist woman in my life.”

---“You are sure that you want to return?”



I was certain at that point of time. I did not want to be a careerist woman. I gave a gentle look at my son and said---“Sir, to stay in his future I have to walk beside him in his present. If he does not get his mother by his side during his childhood days then he will curse me in future.”

That what happened between my Love and ChotoMa. Abhi never got his mother beside him when he wanted her most and there was no such bonding between them. If there had been so much of binding then, Abhimanyu would have contacted ChotoMa, which he never did. I was sure that he wanted to set himself free from that ivory cage as I was caged once. I do not want my son to live in a cage; I wanted him to breathe fresh air always.

Dr. Sarkar then said to me---“Eventually you had to go back for a week, so if you don’t mind can you do me a favour?”

I asked---“What Sir?”

---“I am planning to goto to Massachusetts to meet my daughter form here.