Dawn at Midnight.
Book 3: Rise from ashes. Chapter 3: Solitary Voyage
My room turned into a battlefield after I returned home. The cries of Abhi, babbles of Titli and she used to crawl all over the place and Papri used to talk all nonsense and run all over the place. Every time I sat for breast-feeding Abhi, Papri would sit beside me and ask me to place Abhi on her lap.
She used to look at me with pleading eyes and kiss my cheek---“Give my Bhai.”
I used to smile at her and ask her sit properly with her legs folded on the bed then gently I used to place him on her lap.
On the other hand, whenever Titli use to come near Abhi, she felt that someone has come to her house to divide her affections, so she used to look at his face closely and then all of sudden she use to slap gently on his face.
We all three mothers had tough time handling our cubs. The room looked like a battle station and we were mere spectators in the midst of the warriors.
My heart use to fill up with a halo of love and satisfaction whenever Abhi use to suckle milk. I looked at his smiling face and kissed his forehead. He looked at me with his tiny eyes and glued with me to get my warmth. I pressed him across my chest to feel his tiny thumping heart and whispered in his ears “I will keep you away from all miseries of this world, my baby.”
His eyes were big; I use to wonder as whose features he might have borne.
I asked Maithili---“Whom does he look like?” I never wanted that she tell me that he looks like my late husband. I never sought similarities of my late husband’s features in my Abhi.
She looked at both of us---“His chin and lips are like you, chubby cheeks and thin lips. However, his eyes are big, not like yours but some ones else. He has mixed features. I can’t make it right now.”
“His eyes are like my Abhi. Is not it?” I rather tried hard to find resemblance of heartthrob in my cute cub. For hours, I used to look into his face and tried hard to visualize the hidden resemblance on my love on my cub’s face. It was not my fancy but I believed that from the depth of my heart that my cub has eyes of my love.
Whenever I use to massage oil on Abhi, he used to kick me and that made me annoyed. We used to fight over his bath and like the elder one; he was very naughty. Always smiling at me with his toothless face.
In the evening, I used to carry him in my lap and use to stroll in the backyard of my house, between the fruit orchards and beside the pond. I used to stand under the mango tree and point to the tree and use to whisper in his tiny ears---“You have to be strong like this, fruitful like this tree and don’t ever never bow down in any pressure in life. Remember, life is another name of pain and love. You should get used to it.”
He used to giggle at me and look in his mother’s face as if saying “Always with you, Mamma.”
When he slept, I looked at his calm face, sometimes he fluttered his tiny lips probably trying to tell me something in his sleep “Mamma, I love you.” Whenever he stretched his little arms and legs while sleeping, he looked very cute. Every time I looked in his face I tried to, he looked different, painted as a beautiful bud, peaceful and calm as snow. I used to show him outside the window, whenever I swung him in my laps and sang him lullaby. I pointed to the outer world that was waiting for him. I used to whisper in his tiny ears “See, the world is beckoning you. You have to be strong for your mom. I have no one except you, my Dear. You are the only person in this whole world, around whom I will have to bestow my life.”
The stark reality came in front of me after few weeks. Money was weaning from my account very fast. All the expenses of my hospital and doctors; everything were conferred by me. I did not want to ask for money from my brothers. The strange fact was that they never offered me to bear my cost. Maithili tried to help me but somehow I deterred myself from asking money from her. I did not want to bring the money between our relations. One thing I was sure of that, I was self satisfied and lived with self-esteem.
After two months, the bare skeletons started to show its knuckle out of cupboard of the life. Gradually the warmth faded, the ambiance in my house started to change.
One day at the dinner table, Meghna Boudi said to me---“Paree, we live in a village. This is not a city where people lives confined in their house and don’t meddle in others lives.”
I gave a bewildered look at her; I was unable to understand as what she meant to say.
She continued---“People have started talking about you. You are widow; you changed your name to you maiden name and gave your son your maiden surname.”
I gave a helpless look at my brothers; they were silent. It dawned in my mind that they support as what Meghna Boudi was saying.
I asked her in a daunting voice---“Why do I have to care about what the people have to say about me? Did they come for my rescue, no. They never fed me or my son.”
---“But there are talks going around, Paree.”
I looked at Maithili, she winked me to keep quiet and then she asked Subroto Da---“You have not discussed with me regarding these, why?”
He fumbled for words---“Churni, we all have a life of our own. I do not want to bring any kind of disgrace or any type of foul rumors around my house.”
---“Where will she go?”
Meghna Boudi said to her---“She was saying about some job, if she gets early then it will be better for all of us.”
Maithili grinded her jaws at her husband and said---“Will you say something, or keep quiet.”
I apprehended that my days in my native place were over. I foresee that situation much before that night.
I pacified Maithili---“I told you few months back, Churni that I had to confront such days.”
I looked at all of them and said---“We will have better relation if we don’t meddle in our lives. I will go away, but I need some time to find a job.”
I could not find much words, I walked in my room and looked on the bed, where Abhi was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the facts that a storm was brewing around him. I did not know where to go; only I know that I had to go. I saw that Dushtu was sitting beside him, looking deeply on his face. On hearing my footsteps, he looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes. My soul was filled with disgust and the sight of emotions flowing down from Dushtu’s eyes made me weaker.
He gave a pleading look at me and said---“Paree Auntie, please don’t go.”
I walked near him, he threw his arms around me and broke down on my chest---“Please don’t go.”
I ruffled his hair and soothed him---“See, you are grown up boy. You will have a new place to visit during your vacations.”
---“No, I don’t want to visit you. I want you by my side.”
How do I make him understand that the society around us was talking about my recent motherhood in spite of being a widow? They do not try to delve into the reality that was responsible for my situation.
I looked at Abhi’s face while clasping Dushtu in my arms.
I said to him---“You will grow up and understand why your Paree Auntie left you.”
He shook his head---“I know, my mom asked you to leave the house.”
---“No, it was not your mom. There was something else behind all these.”
Somehow, I could not pacify him with all my words but he said nothing and went away wiping his face.
I could not sleep that night, only one thought that circled in my mind and engulfed my soul was, “Where should I go now?” I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and pressed in on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked the cover of the “Optics notebook.” I tried to gather courage and warmth out of the lively words written in that diary.
It was dark outside and Abhi was sleeping quietly beside me. I looked at his face before closing my eyes. I heard the door creek. I looked up to the door, there was no one.
I heard a voice, a deep hum, saying me---“Paree.”
I shivered on hearing my name from the voice I eight years ago. I looked around to find “Are you really there? Where are you, come in front of me. Take me with you. Save me from my miseries.”
---“Step out, nothing will happen to you.”
---“Sure.”
---“Yes I am, Paree.”
I ran towards the door. August winds were howling bitterly outside. I observed that, Maithili was walking towards my room. She was surprised to see me on the balcony, having a bewildered face.
I was also surprised to see her in that hour---“What are you doing? You have not slept?”
She took me inside the room and asked me sit down on the bed---“You have not slept also.”
I gave a painful daunt look at her---“I am unable to sleep.”
---“So am I.”
---“You don’t need to put your family life in fray due to me.”
---“I tried to pacify your brothers and Meghna Boudi. But you know about the village rumors and pep talks.”
---“Yes I know that very well. I lived my twenty-five years here, in this soil and earth, among these fields and orchards. Last two times I went away, I never felt so sad. However, this time, it is sad for me. But, Churni, being a thirty-three year old lady and lived a life full of pains and torment, it made me strong enough to face whatever comes.”
Her voice was choked once again, but I never felt the pain of parting that time.
---“I am really helpless, Paree.”
I took her palms and soothed her---“Don’t be. No one need to shed tears for me anymore.” I let out a long exhale, I felt lighter---“It will be better for all of us. Churni, if several utensils are in one place, then it is bound to make noise. But if you keep those utensils away from each other then they don’t make noise with each other, right dear.”
---“I beg your forgiveness for what I said for all the pains you had to bear due to me.
Book 3: Rise from ashes. Chapter 3: Solitary Voyage
My room turned into a battlefield after I returned home. The cries of Abhi, babbles of Titli and she used to crawl all over the place and Papri used to talk all nonsense and run all over the place. Every time I sat for breast-feeding Abhi, Papri would sit beside me and ask me to place Abhi on her lap.
She used to look at me with pleading eyes and kiss my cheek---“Give my Bhai.”
I used to smile at her and ask her sit properly with her legs folded on the bed then gently I used to place him on her lap.
On the other hand, whenever Titli use to come near Abhi, she felt that someone has come to her house to divide her affections, so she used to look at his face closely and then all of sudden she use to slap gently on his face.
We all three mothers had tough time handling our cubs. The room looked like a battle station and we were mere spectators in the midst of the warriors.
My heart use to fill up with a halo of love and satisfaction whenever Abhi use to suckle milk. I looked at his smiling face and kissed his forehead. He looked at me with his tiny eyes and glued with me to get my warmth. I pressed him across my chest to feel his tiny thumping heart and whispered in his ears “I will keep you away from all miseries of this world, my baby.”
His eyes were big; I use to wonder as whose features he might have borne.
I asked Maithili---“Whom does he look like?” I never wanted that she tell me that he looks like my late husband. I never sought similarities of my late husband’s features in my Abhi.
She looked at both of us---“His chin and lips are like you, chubby cheeks and thin lips. However, his eyes are big, not like yours but some ones else. He has mixed features. I can’t make it right now.”
“His eyes are like my Abhi. Is not it?” I rather tried hard to find resemblance of heartthrob in my cute cub. For hours, I used to look into his face and tried hard to visualize the hidden resemblance on my love on my cub’s face. It was not my fancy but I believed that from the depth of my heart that my cub has eyes of my love.
Whenever I use to massage oil on Abhi, he used to kick me and that made me annoyed. We used to fight over his bath and like the elder one; he was very naughty. Always smiling at me with his toothless face.
In the evening, I used to carry him in my lap and use to stroll in the backyard of my house, between the fruit orchards and beside the pond. I used to stand under the mango tree and point to the tree and use to whisper in his tiny ears---“You have to be strong like this, fruitful like this tree and don’t ever never bow down in any pressure in life. Remember, life is another name of pain and love. You should get used to it.”
He used to giggle at me and look in his mother’s face as if saying “Always with you, Mamma.”
When he slept, I looked at his calm face, sometimes he fluttered his tiny lips probably trying to tell me something in his sleep “Mamma, I love you.” Whenever he stretched his little arms and legs while sleeping, he looked very cute. Every time I looked in his face I tried to, he looked different, painted as a beautiful bud, peaceful and calm as snow. I used to show him outside the window, whenever I swung him in my laps and sang him lullaby. I pointed to the outer world that was waiting for him. I used to whisper in his tiny ears “See, the world is beckoning you. You have to be strong for your mom. I have no one except you, my Dear. You are the only person in this whole world, around whom I will have to bestow my life.”
The stark reality came in front of me after few weeks. Money was weaning from my account very fast. All the expenses of my hospital and doctors; everything were conferred by me. I did not want to ask for money from my brothers. The strange fact was that they never offered me to bear my cost. Maithili tried to help me but somehow I deterred myself from asking money from her. I did not want to bring the money between our relations. One thing I was sure of that, I was self satisfied and lived with self-esteem.
After two months, the bare skeletons started to show its knuckle out of cupboard of the life. Gradually the warmth faded, the ambiance in my house started to change.
One day at the dinner table, Meghna Boudi said to me---“Paree, we live in a village. This is not a city where people lives confined in their house and don’t meddle in others lives.”
I gave a bewildered look at her; I was unable to understand as what she meant to say.
She continued---“People have started talking about you. You are widow; you changed your name to you maiden name and gave your son your maiden surname.”
I gave a helpless look at my brothers; they were silent. It dawned in my mind that they support as what Meghna Boudi was saying.
I asked her in a daunting voice---“Why do I have to care about what the people have to say about me? Did they come for my rescue, no. They never fed me or my son.”
---“But there are talks going around, Paree.”
I looked at Maithili, she winked me to keep quiet and then she asked Subroto Da---“You have not discussed with me regarding these, why?”
He fumbled for words---“Churni, we all have a life of our own. I do not want to bring any kind of disgrace or any type of foul rumors around my house.”
---“Where will she go?”
Meghna Boudi said to her---“She was saying about some job, if she gets early then it will be better for all of us.”
Maithili grinded her jaws at her husband and said---“Will you say something, or keep quiet.”
I apprehended that my days in my native place were over. I foresee that situation much before that night.
I pacified Maithili---“I told you few months back, Churni that I had to confront such days.”
I looked at all of them and said---“We will have better relation if we don’t meddle in our lives. I will go away, but I need some time to find a job.”
I could not find much words, I walked in my room and looked on the bed, where Abhi was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the facts that a storm was brewing around him. I did not know where to go; only I know that I had to go. I saw that Dushtu was sitting beside him, looking deeply on his face. On hearing my footsteps, he looked at me and I saw tears in his eyes. My soul was filled with disgust and the sight of emotions flowing down from Dushtu’s eyes made me weaker.
He gave a pleading look at me and said---“Paree Auntie, please don’t go.”
I walked near him, he threw his arms around me and broke down on my chest---“Please don’t go.”
I ruffled his hair and soothed him---“See, you are grown up boy. You will have a new place to visit during your vacations.”
---“No, I don’t want to visit you. I want you by my side.”
How do I make him understand that the society around us was talking about my recent motherhood in spite of being a widow? They do not try to delve into the reality that was responsible for my situation.
I looked at Abhi’s face while clasping Dushtu in my arms.
I said to him---“You will grow up and understand why your Paree Auntie left you.”
He shook his head---“I know, my mom asked you to leave the house.”
---“No, it was not your mom. There was something else behind all these.”
Somehow, I could not pacify him with all my words but he said nothing and went away wiping his face.
I could not sleep that night, only one thought that circled in my mind and engulfed my soul was, “Where should I go now?” I took out Abhimanyu’s diary and pressed in on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked the cover of the “Optics notebook.” I tried to gather courage and warmth out of the lively words written in that diary.
It was dark outside and Abhi was sleeping quietly beside me. I looked at his face before closing my eyes. I heard the door creek. I looked up to the door, there was no one.
I heard a voice, a deep hum, saying me---“Paree.”
I shivered on hearing my name from the voice I eight years ago. I looked around to find “Are you really there? Where are you, come in front of me. Take me with you. Save me from my miseries.”
---“Step out, nothing will happen to you.”
---“Sure.”
---“Yes I am, Paree.”
I ran towards the door. August winds were howling bitterly outside. I observed that, Maithili was walking towards my room. She was surprised to see me on the balcony, having a bewildered face.
I was also surprised to see her in that hour---“What are you doing? You have not slept?”
She took me inside the room and asked me sit down on the bed---“You have not slept also.”
I gave a painful daunt look at her---“I am unable to sleep.”
---“So am I.”
---“You don’t need to put your family life in fray due to me.”
---“I tried to pacify your brothers and Meghna Boudi. But you know about the village rumors and pep talks.”
---“Yes I know that very well. I lived my twenty-five years here, in this soil and earth, among these fields and orchards. Last two times I went away, I never felt so sad. However, this time, it is sad for me. But, Churni, being a thirty-three year old lady and lived a life full of pains and torment, it made me strong enough to face whatever comes.”
Her voice was choked once again, but I never felt the pain of parting that time.
---“I am really helpless, Paree.”
I took her palms and soothed her---“Don’t be. No one need to shed tears for me anymore.” I let out a long exhale, I felt lighter---“It will be better for all of us. Churni, if several utensils are in one place, then it is bound to make noise. But if you keep those utensils away from each other then they don’t make noise with each other, right dear.”
---“I beg your forgiveness for what I said for all the pains you had to bear due to me.